Why you believe in true love

Their smile

Is a breeze from the heavens

Their every word, their every act

Are special treasures you value a lot

They’re so comforting

That with them, you forget all your stress

Even if they challenge you sometimes,

You seek for their presence

They’re very charming

Make you forget all past pains

You can’t judge them

To you, Even their sneeze is a sweet poem

They may not be perfect,

But you know they always try their best

You support their choices,

No matter how unique are their tastes

You surrender to them

Let down all your defenses,

Become so open

That all boundaries are erased

You try hard

To keep their secrets,

Even their tiniest funny stories,

You won’t tell anyone else

You feel protective,

Can’t see them hurt,

You enjoy working hard,

If it helps them…

They become your best friend,

And your sweetheart

You accept them

The way they are

You feel loved

Relaxed like a child

Like a creative confident baby

You begin to embrace the life

You feel you’re born for them

You’ll die for them

No matter what they do,

You know, you won’t give up on them

There’s a reason,

Why you believe in true love,

You might not remember in details

But you have made a deal with someone

Who was born with you,

Who’ll die with you,

No matter where you go,

Who always belongs with you…

There’s a person,

You’re married to since before you were born

Honey, you’re the person

You always dream about

Hug yourself,

Adore yourself,

You’re your eternal love

Celebrate yourself

You’re your first love

You’re your soulmate

Fill yourself with your love,

And then let the love radiate

my love song

This Earth is my love letter,

Every part is a compliment to your core

The seasons are the spices

Different flavors to suit to your endeavors

The sun arrives, with its caffeinated rays,

It’s your choice whether to get the excitement

The night sky has lots of shiny objects,

Can you read my love declarations on their rays?

Clouds come, the storm and the rain,

Enjoy the wonders, or you can have some rest

No obligations, no pressure to perform

Works are there, but you can choose to play

Rules are there, regulations and limitations,

But only if you want to play the game

Challenges are there and there’s a race

Enjoy, you can’t lose at any pace

You can follow your heart

Or can hesitate

You’re always being loved,

Irrespective of your choices

You can accept it

Or you can deny

I love you

You’re the love of my life

My love is everywhere,

For you to bask in

In every encounter you have

You can sense my presence

Your every breath,

Every beat of your heart

Are the limericks

Of my love song

In your smiles,

Your words and silent gasps

You’ll find my love oozing,

Trying to soothe your heart

To the heart,

Oh heart,

Why are you so strange?

Mind your ideas,

Are you insane??

You’re naked

Have no walls armies or defenses

Open to everything

Yet immune to getting bruises

You’re very strong

But have no weapons

How can you always succeed

Without fights dramas or stress?

You can’t calculate,

Can’t understand logic,

How come your estimations

Are always accurate?

                            

You can’t understand strategies,

 Can’t make plans,

You’re too naïve

Yet the best advisor I have

You’ve no emotions, no pains,

No intelligence, no brains

The only force you possess, the only tool

Is love

Unbiased, nonsense, pure and strange

How can this tool

Possess so much power

That everything else I have

Prefer to just surrender??

You know no boundaries,

no limitations,

Unable to understand the pathways

How do you know the magical doorways?

How can you produce

These fountains of joy…

Intoxicating me

Giving me the ‘high’?

Dissolving my sense of future,

Erasing illusions of the past,

You bring me in this sweet unending moment,

Filled with strange unexplainable joy

My strength, my motivation

My energy, my passion

Oh heart, thank you for being so strange

Love your ideas, you’re simply great!

I am...

I’m the speed, the excitement

The life force

Gifting beats to your heart

I’m the nature, the source

The sweet tune

Composing music of the life

I’m the desire, the purpose

The pathway

And the destination of your heart

I’m the wisdom, the information

The inspiration

Creating miracles in daily life

I’m the beauty, the comeliness

Loving invitation

To embrace the life

An ocean of love, a tsunami of joy

I’m the ultimate power

All you need to create what you want

Look in the mirror,

Look beyond the mask

I’m the one, who’s looking through your eyes

Love is the key...

Not any missile, no sharp words

No boundaries, not any magic spell

Nothing in the world is as powerful as love itself

Love, love from the bottom of your heart

Love without any limit, without any doubt

Without any attachment to the mundane facts

Be a sun, let love be your rays;

Be a cloud, let the love rain

Shower your loved ones, wash away their pains

Love your beloveds, and those strangers

And to those who brought some pain

Love the universe, as it’s a form of yourself

Love yourself while loving others,

Never expect from others

What you can give to yourself

Never stop giving, what you’ve to offer

You’re unique, and much needed

Never let doubts mask your true nature

The real you can make a difference

The universe has a magical bank account

Every penny of love you spend

Comes back to you

 With an increase of several folds

Be assured, you’re always cared for

Your needs are always met,

and so are your desires

Love comes in several forms

Just learn to be open,

never close your heart

Don’t narrow down

The sources of love to you; listen,

Even the air you breathe and the water

Say, “I love you” all the time

Love is the key, the map

And your guide to your dreamland

Love is the magic, the currency

The biggest power to transform

Thank the universe

For bringing love into your life

Take every opportunity

to celebrate the love in your heart

The truth...

The truth is that we all are special. The universe values our uniqueness, it nurtures it, adores it, cares for it, and designs circumstances to develop it… it also weeds out things coming in the way of our true development. Some things have to go away, some goodbyes are mandatory, some relationships complete their courses, so do some aspects of our personality. I’m no more the clueless rebel driving at the speed of hundred wearing a reverse cap with some hanky tied around her neck; it’s not that I’ve grown any softer, but I don’t feel the need to wear that bravado to hide my inner child anymore. The tougher and wiser I become, the more comfortable I feel in exposing my true loving nature. When the insecurities drop, our true nature gets a chance to emerge. Doubts and insecurities are babies of ignorance, lack of knowledge, and too much emphasis on the separateness; they’re products of faulty reasoning based on insufficient information; like clouds, they block our insight, like viruses, they suppress our true nature, and convert us into power seeking zombies— alive, but not living their lives. There’s more in the world than our minds can sense, there’s more magic in the universe than we’re taught to believe in. I guess it’s only the heart that has the capacity to sense the reality around us. It’s our job to be true to our hearts, to keep on tending to it, to jump when it wants to jump and to stop when it wants to stop, without getting attached to the circumstances, without calculating the consequences.

It’s beyond the beliefs, the truth, it’s beyond the thoughts; beliefs can change every once in a while, thoughts wobble all the time, but the truth is true all the time, whether we know it or not, it’s stable, whether we appreciate it or not. Dreams are the premonitions of where we’re going to land up; desires are the hints of the experiences waiting for us, provided that we’re not falling for our ego trips. There’s no need to fight for our wishes, no need to waste energy in trying to flow upstream, in fact these are indications of some faulty thinking; our lives are designed to be with the flow, it’s when we surrender completely and let go of the insecure pride we’re taken to our destiny. Right things happen, right persons come, right paths are taken only when the right time arrives; the growth process is very fast in fact, unless if we block it with fear driven attempts of some artificial standardized speed up.

Sometimes I do feel confused a bit, a bit stressed, like the superman or spiderman just getting aware of his supernatural powers; but the responsibility coming with this power is a bit simpler than that of those comics’ celebrities; we just have to be aware of and true to our core nature. We’re all unique, and very powerful, the power is in the uniqueness, we’ve to respect it that of ourselves and that of others. There’s no ‘standard’, no one is better than another; the competitions for some standard are proofs of ignorance, it’s up to us how much we feed to such ignorance. Some people are trapped in the insecurities, lost in the battles, struggling for false pride, ignorant, completely unaware of their true nature; we can’t change others, they’ll awaken when their time comes, our job is not to try to convince them, but just to be ourselves and keep on walking on our own true roads.

When we stop struggling and start walking on our true road, somehow some magic happens, things start falling into place, people start being awakened, boundaries start dissolving on their own, deserts start embracing the spring… all of a sudden we realize that life does make sense, it’s our dream since ages that’s taking a solid shape.

when the past gets undone

How I don’t know, but a magical moment arrived

Like an eraser to wipe out years from my life

Cobwebs disappeared, the tangles got solved

Things got unlearned, as my past got undone

Now I look into the mirror

And see a baby full of wonders

Free of responsibilities and worries

Surrounded in warmth, completely assured

To me, things happen on their own

My job is to play around… and have fun

I don’t care what people call me

They’ve to respect my rules, to be with me

Innocent inexperienced happy child

Unexposed to harsh realities of adult life

Immersed constantly in love and joy

I don’t know how hatred feels like

I’ve enthusiasm, the will to find out

And the freedom to quit the game, when I get bored

No ambitions, no big dreams

I play to enjoy just this moment of my life

Mirror says then, “wait a minute dear,

Your image doesn’t fit into expected baby’s picture.”

I answer, “that’s the point my friend,

From all expected norms, I’ve got divorced.”

“But usually babies don’t look like this.”

It continues to complain…

“Maybe usually they don’t,” I say…

 “but they do at this moment.”

I exist beyond my mind...

Like a feather

Having a weightless flight

I find myself

Enjoying my life

                          

Free and energetic

Like breeze of the wind

It’s so easy

Reaching the heights

No seriousness

No worries and stresses

I’m an ocean

Filled completely with joy

No past grudges

No future plans

I relax             

As this moment is mine

No ambitions

No causes to fight for

I’m a traveler

Enjoying trip of this life

Like a baby

Carefree and curious

I’m here

Only to play my part

No expectations

No demands and norms

I’m happy

With who I am

No obsessions

No needs to cry for

Chasing is over

 I'm not attached

I was waiting, for this moment to arrive

Finally, I’m completely out of my mind…

 … It’s not that I’ve gone mad,                 

But I realize that I exist beyond my mind…

the passion for this life...

There comes a moment in life, when we quit everything, we drop all our needs, and get away from all attachments… it’s the moment when we become aware, when we get to know ourselves. When we sense our completeness, our fullness, when we surrender to our higher self, the moment becomes life, it becomes eternal, when the sense of past seems like a small script in some story and future an illusion. Things or circumstances or even people just become incapable of making us happy or sad or worried, when we sense the endless joy at our core occupying all our presence. The presence expands then to involve everything in the universe within itself, and the sense of oneness gives stability to the mind.

On the verge of being dissolved, the identity calls us back to the separated existence—small little name, a body, a bunch of experiences and some relations… this separated existence too then makes sense, maybe there’s some purpose for this life experience. Desires are there but no needs, dreams are there but no compulsions, love is there but no attachments, overwhelming passion is there for creating something from this human existence, but there’s no stress. A calmness, stillness, assurance and contentment fill the mind; the heart lights up and shows the pathway. Our job is then to follow the directions, and just have some courage to be ourselves.

There’s a reason for this life experience, and the universe cares a lot about what we really want to experience in this lifetime… it works hard day and night in its mysterious ways to make us to feel fulfilled, what we have to do is to just get out of its way. Yah we do tend to block its way when we calculate, when we think about needs and chase them, when we judge things and try to conform to some norms at the expense of not being ourselves.  Statistics and probability are very good tools in labs, they are the basis of research and I love them, but in real life, they’re useless. The brain may say that there’s only one in thousandth chance of getting something, but the heart just pushes us to that direction; a ‘wise’ person (or a robot?) can’t take that risk (instead for them there are many ‘safer’ options), but a follower of the heart does take it; and guess what, advice from heart always pays off, the follower gets the thing in spite of all the odds.

In fact, it doesn’t matter whether we get the thing or not, because it’s not our job, it’s the job of the universe, our job is just to be true to our hearts and be ourselves, and enjoy this moment of existence as it’s such a great chance. Nope, this isn’t a selfish thought, because the best way we can affect the lives of our loved ones, the best way we can have impact on this universe, and the best way we can bring out the changes in humankind the way we desire is by being ourselves for every moment of our lives. I too am one of those who stay awake at nights sometimes, but it’s not the stress that keeps me awake, instead it’s the passion for this life.

Tribute to The Sweet One

Silence speaks

And life makes sense

Oh sweet one

In your presence

Thoughts come

As if there’s some race

When things compete

To bring smile on my face

How warm it is

The embrace of the sky

How safe it is

The pat of the wind

Tingling breeze

Evokes fountains of joy

How nice it is

To have you around

No pride

No selfishness

In your arms

There’s only love and joy

Bathing me

Clearing my mind

Your beats

Fill me with life

Sweet soothing

Whisper with my mind

Reminds me

The purpose of being alive

Boundaries dissolve

Ego melts down

When sense of oneness

Expands my presence

With you every word

is an expression of joy

and every breathe

a celebration of life

I surrender oh nature

To the beauty of thy

My mind is curious

To understand your mind

The story of life...

There comes a time when we believe in everything,

When skepticism falls, the heart sees better things

Fairy tales happen here, not in some different world

We can sense them, if we change our angle

Miracles are part of everyday life

Keep smiling, maybe it’s happening right now

Angels and witches aren’t some myth,

Look with mind’s eye, they do come handy

Spells work, things do get transformed

Curses are there, but remedies are nice

Flowers sing and they ooze smile

Gentle breeze can be the musician of the mind

There exists the stream of endless joy

And the trigger bringing it to the outside

Villains come, but with big weak points

Just kill that bird and happy ending arrives

No wounded healers, no sad knights

Remember, we’re the princesses or princes of our lives

Story of life is really interesting… Have patience,

Who knows, right now the climax may be happening…

to see beyond the perceived mind

Not firm, but not absent either

Though vague, it was always there

The passion, the drive

My purpose of being alive…

Had it since I don’t remember

Acting as a friend, my best ally

Holding my hand, giving shelter

Guiding me through difficult times

I never knew though its location

Didn't know my energy source

Got lost several times… in trying to find

Something that was always mine

The situations, the circumstances

Rules, regulations, results of sick fate

Lost people, numb and blind

Amongst all these, where was I?

I too was one of them, comatose, not awake

Drowned in ocean of my pains, hopeless,

Miserably waiting for some help

Studded with frustration, waiting for a change

As I had made the mistake

Thinking my core, all this could shake

Had got lost in battles and wounds

Thinking they've destroyed my soul

It turns out, I never knew it

Core of my heart isn't a weak thing

Leave apart tiny stabs and burns

Even missiles can’t breach its verve

It isn't numb, a sensitive feeling

Even a tiny change, won’t go unnoticed

Leave apart roses and daisies

Even grass flowers are capable of arousing it

Maybe it’s a rose itself

Oozing fragrance, no matter the circumstances

Or a fire, inextinguishable

Immune to highs and lows of life…

Is it that we come in layers

And what we see are just covers

Thick, tender, painful with ugly patches

Only to cloak the spring inside?

Pain anxiety stress anger or fear

Lessons of life, of those painful years

Memories of being cheated or of left alone…

Are too feeble to alter the weather

Clouds may come, so do typhoons

Vision gets hampered, we think life’s blurred

The dust just falls from outside,

Has nothing to do with the core inside

Don’t know what opened my eyes

To let me to see beyond the perceived mind

Flooding radiating flowing or oozing

There’s nothing else but pure joy…

sorry dear restrictions, you can’t last

Nope… I can’t hold on; sorry dear restrictions, you can’t last.

Through years I had gathered you,

Spending my tears, and unfulfilled expectations

Shocks, cheatings and mediocrities…

It’s not that now I’m in heaven,

It’s not that I’ve won some big shot

The world is as it was before

Why shall I listen to my foolish heart…?

I don’t feel like queen of the world

It’s just me… but glad

It’s as if I stepped into some time machine

And I’m a curious happy child

The wounds, open and unhealed,

Marks by failures, and battle scars

They’re still here, but silent and numb

How are you fellows, have you lost your life?

The negativity, the pains

Doubts suspicions and useless efforts

Gifts by torture, and shocking past

I’m afraid… dear companions, we’re getting apart

Had thought of you as partners of life,

Binding me with shackles stronger than my mind

What happened, where is the bitterness?

Has your poison lost its taste?

What is it… some strange flower

Bathing my mind in sweet fragrance

Or is it some sort of blast

Giving energy to keep on?

I did nothing, it just happened

Decisions, actions and even beliefs

Beautiful, mediocre or even ugly ones

I know nothing is in our hand

I’m not immature to take pride

Still humble but thankful… don’t know why

Instead of weeping or being serious

What is it that’s making me to smile…?

It’s something… ah, I can’t define

Vague to the extreme, can’t see its form

Powerful, I can’t resist

Still trying to find what it is…

Searching for the reason, the cause the agent

Maybe it’s some feeble ray of hope

But it’s glittering with some strange light

Alas, can’t see a thing beyond the joy…

Wisdom surely has its place

Consciousness is surely not useless

Experiences are meant to teach

Every dream can’t be the truth…

Or maybe it’s an afterthought

Consciousness may just be a part

Incomplete, and insufficient

To understand the activities in mind’s heart

Getting tired in trying to interpret it

Whatever it is… I just can’t stop it

Can’t guess, can’t understand

Can’t decide, can’t even hold on

Here I give up, accept my defeat

Oh strange feeling, I lose you win…

Surrendering my wisdom and pains of ages

I live as I always have… but with a feeling of being alive

I’m alive, yes I am

The dull dead end seems to be gone

What is it making me so popular…,

Plenty of actions waiting to be carried out?

No serenity, no peace

The restlessness strikes again

I must do something

Here… I start feeling again

It’s as if the coma has ended,

So have the darkness, deafness and loneliness

I breathe and feel like breathing…

From where I got back my senses..?

I know it may not last

Joy can be followed by a depression attack

No brain… you’ve lost the charge

Now give up your skepticism and follow my heart

to allow the heart to take over the brain

Don’t know whether my eyes ore open or are closed

There’s darkness; can’t see a ray of hope

Once acting as an energy source

Why I find myself now searching for some sun

Maybe this place is empty with nothing around

Can’t even hear voice of my own

The loneliness so thick that even memories can’t penetrate

And so prolonged that I don’t know how it is to be accompanied

It’s not that my path is untaken in the whole world

But it is strange for those who were in my world

My world was big initially, endless, having no boundaries

Now the boundaries are so thick that the world outside is foreign

It’s not that I was ignorant to the reality

But I did have a vision to see beyond it

Till I found that the vision was illusive

And the world being one is a crazy misunderstanding

Everything matters, your origin and your status

Soul is less important than your appearance

Decision making is a big joke

Life is nothing, just integration of chance events

Knowledge is supposed to make life better

Then why knowing the facts let the heart to shatter

Maybe the heart is old fashioned

Embracing the ideas no longer real

There is passion, there is zeal

There are cravings and even dreams

Foolish, enraged and thoughtless

The heart is ready to flood the world with tsunami of efforts

The boundaries won’t last its force

The world will become huge again and will be one

There won’t be loneliness and depression

“We” being a preferred term to “I” in that lawless world of love

But I’m confused, still holding my breaks

How wise is it to allow the heart to take over the brain?

Ah it's life...

More irrelevant than baby’s blabber, stupid causeless like actions of some toddler

Or meaningful predetermined and thoughtful, set of events leading to a destined outcome

Complex serpentine leading to nowhere, full of mirages where nothing is in real

Or simple straightforward and accurate, where arrow has no option other than hitting to its target

                 

Haphazard unpredictable and lawless, where every event is ruled by the chances

Or calculated strategic and formula driven, as if it’s created by some mathematician

Ah that’s life, a series of strange events, has no meaning but still sets the stage

The moment we think we’ve figured out the plot, everything changes to make us to feel lost…

Lost in a jungle, fierce and cruel, the only real emotion we might feel is a sense of competition

Angels may come, suddenly from nowhere, but we can’t be happy as they may not be real

Fickle volatile and superficial, some relations evaporate like oil floating on the river

Some are like the sky, always with us, no matter our location no matter the status

The sky may just be an illusion, picture of the past—a memory hitting to our vision

Vision of the mind might be accurate; the gut reaction only sometimes fails

Comedy tragedy thriller or mystery, jumping across the genre without any warning

A strange creation by some awful stubborn poet, ah that’s life, we can’t love or hate…

Covered with thorns or flowers or both, it’s a bizarre path to walk on

With Flowers capable of turning into thorns, and thorns capable of becoming our allies

Ambition focus work and efforts, may or may not bear the fruit of success

Sometimes just letting go is what that is required; sometimes it might hit the face

Sometimes faith saves the day; sometimes it’s the cause of death

Nihilists might just embrace some cause; devotees might get divorce from their god

Ah it’s life, maybe it’s not meant to make any sense; what surprises me most is the drive to sustain

Maybe it’s the hope forcing us to keep on turning pages; maybe it’s the curiosity for what’s next

Where it’s going, directed or flowing or is it stagnant this being my ultimate destiny…

I’m waiting to see, dreaming hoping and living, just as a main character of some awful poet’s script

the scientist in my mind

Hindsight is faulty, I remind myself, every time I find myself mulling over my past decisions and their outcomes... I'm not a very important person, thankfully, with many lives depending for their directions on what I do; but certainly, at least for some lives, for those lives whose I am a purpose of life, my decisions do matter, and so their outcomes. It wasn't an exam, there wasn't fear of failure, the only conditions were strong determination maybe reaching to the levels of stubbornness, a commitment of not leaving or not changing the pathway, of sticking to the decision and tolerating whatever the consequences might be, suffering everything without surrendering to the situation while keeping the morals alive breathing with unadulterated mind, while keeping inner desires alive and the passions burning—without suffocating because of lack of hope or chance or stimulus... Joy had left my mind a long ago, there wasn't fear of being devoid of it, there wasn't fear of pain—my mind always bathing in it; tolerating huge ugly surprises offered by the destiny, I used to think I couldn't be surprised any more. There wasn't expectation of someone understanding my situation, everyone including my loved one's judging the situation with their own viewpoints, distant, far away, far far away from me, and far away from my feelings.

I loved research, wanted to explore some questions in my mind, a chance to search for the answers, to check my viewpoints and the viewpoints mentioned in my books; tired of searching my answers in books of religion and philosophy and in my own uninhibited mind and in minds of others, I knew, to take me closer to the truth science was my ultimate option. Every voyage in ocean of science for exploring the answers introduced me to a new set of unsolved questions, burning, calling my attention, waiting to be solved, so interesting that I could spend years living on their Iceland... it was like some addiction, like some drug, some hallucinogen or stimulant bathing my neurons, making me to forget my identity, it was my joy—capable of killing me without making me to feel bad for my lost life.

Life isn't just a journey of adventures in some fantastic ocean, the destiny wanted to teach me, with mundane deserts and banal landscapes occupying some of its span, life is something more than just a burning desire. Typhoons came, or tsunamis, or black outs... I got lost, living my life, trying to keep my wish alive, trying to survive in pure 'no science land', mute, as shouting was not allowed.

It was a world of mark oriented students, and teachers teaching nothing but how to gain marks... I, stunned, stunted, suffocating tried my hard to pass this zombie zone, but blind, as there wasn't light, landed into something more horrible, into a world of profit and loss, money seeking people, immoral, corrupted, harmful and even threatening to life and career if their demands left unfulfilled... I was by law forced to spend one year of my life in this managerial branch in area studded with toxic people, or people made toxic by the situation, by the filth of lack of knowledge and lack of desire for getting knowledge, the only desire they had was money, and ways of getting more money, science wasn't in their lives close to their list of joys, mocking me, harassing me for what a dumb strange alien creature I was... for my loved ones it was period of honour, for I was a medical officer—a gazetted officer and a doctor with a staff of more than thirty working under my supervision; for me it was a dark period with me struggling to get out of my intellectual and emotional coma, crying when alone, always counting the remaining days of my bond period.  

Days passed, months went away, years passed, and here I find myself, alive, striving again near my starting point. More than a decade has passed in my efforts, and here I am, still trying, stubborn, with increased passion, and with a bunch of certificates, some money and a degree allowing me to write a prefix 'Dr.' before my name and a license to practice medicine, some nightmares, dull dark memories, some scars, some unhealable wounds on mind, some altered beliefs, lots of pain, unbridgeable loneliness, but stronger, tougher, more informed, and aware that I still can be surprised... It feels good to be conscious again. Maybe Phoenix isn't just a myth, maybe it's a symbol of the scientist in my mind.

helpless cortex

Accurate calculated precise timely, my intelligent cortex envies machines... motivated, disciplined, hardworking, racing against the moments, it hates me wasting my time in useless things. Rational, always thinking of the outcomes, calculating gains and losses, it thinks it knows how to get the best of everything. Careful planner, futurist, it believes in its independent existence...

And there's a wild creature, living somewhere deep, fun loving, free, limitless, hating boundaries... stronger, younger, even more intelligent than the planning elderly. Passionate, addicted, mad for some maybe trivial thing... the king, it rules every act of the conscious mind... Odd creature, has odd philosophy that my cortex can't digest... for it giving up is the best way of getting; losing everything offers more joy in some cases than gaining something. An unruly kid, it knows that certainty may be boring, searching joy in being uncertain. Constant, never getting tired, it's as stable as the existence.

I get confused, to whom shall I listen... then I give up, allowing the mad being to take control. My cortex starts planning, ignoring the fatigue, working like a machine, only to satisfy whims of  my untamed mind... partial, I don't help it.

is consciousness a curse

There's no difference, I feel sometimes, between some mindless tiny organism—trying to do it's best to survive, to protect its life cycle in some environment it has no attachment with regardless whether it's neutral or nourishing or hostile, indifferent, dumb with no capacity to peep into the future and no desire—and me, once a native of dreamland, workaholic, ambitious, confident... now just a caricature or carcass of my past, with unconscious dreams, comatose, unable to communicate with my consciousness, with hopes though shrunk resembling constructions of a grandiose mind—stubborn, alive even when the reality is in sharp contrast.

Maybe the tiny organisms are not mindless, thinking deeply, curious, trying to solve puzzles posed by nature on their minds, loving them, trying to tend them while trying to sustain... maybe they're more complex, intelligent, understanding the meaning of life, the purpose of being alive; maybe these brainless existents are born with the knowledge of  mind; maybe they're mature, grown up beyond the concept of me and mine, looking beyond punishment and reward; maybe they're huge, spiritual beings, too big to be confined in boundaries of plasma membrane and cell walls, selfless and polite, thinking of themselves just as a 'part', or they might be infinite, endless, nothing but the universe itself... maybe they're not conscious as we are, their consciousness being the existence itself, their world being 'real', not polluted by senses and feelings—just some 'impression' of the world as in our sensitive, deceptive and fool  minds.

Our world is different, subjective, limited, selfish, it's not even real—getting transformed into something different with even a slight change in perspective attitude attention or information, making us vulnerable, confined, lost in consciousness... it's worse than other animals with simpler joys and straight forward punishments; our joys are complex, punishments are strange, we lose even after winning, sacrifices can make us happy; weak, we can get lost completely—searching happiness while sacrificing our aliveness, planning, cheating, suffocating ourselves in polluted worlds created by our polluted minds; imprisoned in boundaries created by wrong thoughts, scared, insecure, suspicious, we can act as a big disease to ourselves...

Is consciousness a curse, a drawback, neurons being some powerful parasites ruling us making us mad—getting lost in illusory fake worlds existing only in our minds, giving us a false sense of being intelligent independent farsighted, enslaving us, making us to do what they want, while confusing us, deceiving, hiding information from us, masking the reality...

Whatever they do, neurons make us 'conscious'; we've no choice but to be conscious, except for some exceptional glorious moments of intense pleasure as in complete surrender during meditation or devotion in religious spiritual doings, or as in some forms of epilepsy or instances of intense human bonding what we call orgasms, there's always a boundary separating us from rest of the universe, it's hard to feel blended or a 'part'... it's hard to imagine an identity without being conscious, or a different identity— huge eternal encompassing everything; we're not that huge, our brains tell us most of the times—the times when we're 'sane'.

But they're not that dishonest, giving us a chance at least to suspect to wonder or to imagine that there's a world beyond our consciousness that's real, same to every eye; maybe we'll never evolve to have that objective perspective, to peep into reality to that extent... we've science, we've statistics—very strict measures to overcome our subjectivity; we bend the rules, overlook statistics, our world still being affected by slightest changes. We're not machines, not intelligent beings thinking in terms of statistics and math, even statistic experts being non statistic thinkers, we humans  are just unable to stop being affected by stimuli either relevant or irrelevant.

Maybe neurons make us powerful, the creators—authors, poets, artists, mechanics of our own worlds, the power in fact being just a perception, the world in fact being a mirror image of external world, the image depending upon the angle size shape texture and cleanness of the mirror, changing with any change in the mirror, the mirror being unstable—modifying itself, getting adapted to the perceived mirror images, changing its capacity to reflect, in addition to searching its own place in the reflection; maybe our brains are mirror houses, the mirrors changing themselves constantly, making us dazzled, puzzled, short sighted in order to keep us from getting mad, it being disturbing to know that the reality may not be 'real'...

I give up there, feeling too naive, too small, like a mindless tiny organism—trying its best to survive, to protect its life cycle in... , hoping that one day my human race will come up with the knowledge of mind, will break the bonds of me and mine, will be selfless, everyone feeling sense of being a 'part', of being responsible; feeling unrealistic as unable to think of any plan any way to reach that situation, my consciousness starts suspecting my mental status, and I—dreaming to be a realistic dreamer—shift my focus to present and near future, to my own personal subjective world without suspecting whether it's real.

to make some difference...

It's like swimming in some endless ocean, I feel sometimes, where we're tiny miserable creatures, trying desperately to come out of it, with no sense of destination, no sense of direction, no strong hopes of getting out of it, no purpose for getting out of it or for staying in it... moving hands and legs tirelessly, bearing the pain, with no joy in doing it, the waves in the form of different strange unforeseen incidents dragging us pushing us to random directions. Life, sometimes, seems like a meaningless occurrence, a negligible phenomenon with everything summing up to a big zero, meaningless, waste.

Something happens then, someone calls, asks for something, someone say thanks, someone blames... results we're waiting for arrive, either we succeed or we fail, something pleases the mind, something hurts it making a deep stabbing wound—we get some feedback... the endless moment of meaninglessness ends making us to feel alive. Part of this universe—we constantly interact with the part of universe other than us. The interactions, our actions and reactions, efforts of the body to stay alive or of the mind to know about life, the thought of we impacting rest of the universe enables us enough to keep on trying doing the seemingly meaningless tasks.

Maybe it's negligible, maybe it's short lasting; maybe we're too tiny and short living to affect the universe, but to the universe we can sense and track and keep record of—to the universe of us humans, we can hope to be something more than negligible... almost anything we do, our any decision, any action whether thoughtful or mindless can affect our world: our world with randomness as an important deciding factor, luck as a major controller; we can't control luck, but we can learn to be wise enough to control our wish to control the luck, to know the factors we can control, to be consistent in our efforts of controlling the controllable... maybe that's what we need to make some difference—significant, and essential to sustain our humankind. 

life of management

It's not just wondering about the diseases of individual patients, nor is it just paying heed to tendencies of groups, epidemics, mentality and educational levels of patients... it's not just following the government rules, or adjusting with current political trend... answering to media, local over enthusiastic political activists eager to make issue of anything to gain some political benefit, managing a team of workers elder to me by decades, paying attention to jobs of newcomers, their friendships and rivalries with each others, answering to taluka and district offices... managing economy of scanty drugs, the sanitation of operation theatre and the instruments... managing the government funds, salaries of workers, and government schemes... being a medical officer is being more a manager than a doctor...

It's hard to keep in touch with your medical knowledge, to handle everything according to standard norms, the conditions being slightly strange or not as mentioned in books... x ray machine is here though not properly trained technician, doctor is here—me of course, though not proper health facilities like even basic drugs... patients are uneducated, politically alert villagers wanting me to diagnose and treat every disease with the x ray machine and whichever drugs I have. PHC is a referral service, they say, but they don't provide any means to convince the people to move to higher centers if they show signs of  malignancies, heart diseases or diseases not treatable at PHC level... People look at the referral chit as a proof of the doctor's incompetence, or ignorance—overall lack of interest in their health condition. Many are not willing to invest that much time and energy for their own health or health of their relatives...

I'm out of my big lovely standard books, in real world, among real patients—posing conditions similar to those described in my beloved books but in highly different circumstances, learning to deal with people with very different viewpoints than that of me—very different from one another, to convince them, to handle their differences and sometimes to make use of them, to handle unforeseen circumstances. Maybe this extended part of medical education is worth a year....