The saga of jealousy

It’s something deep in mind, a weakness, a fear, a sense of being incompatible… and it kills others. Where in Darwin’s theory of evolution, does this jealousy stand? Is it a disease or a pathological state of otherwise innocent mind? Or is it characteristic of some villain hidden in the dark depth of everyone’s mind? Is it a fact… unavoidable… or an avoidable catastrophe?

When it affects friends, the friendship ends… relationships go to hell… siblings become enemies, lovers become filled with hatred, joyous stimuli offer punishment… what is that, that dares to snatch all the happiness, and fills the innocent heart with filth of being jealous? Why people want to pull others’ legs? Why they can’t tolerate the victory of their own pals? Is life only a competition? Is it just a game of win or loss? To prove our superiority, do we need to prove others as lower? Can’t life be just a simple win- win situation?

When it affects them, teachers stop distributing knowledge, and co workers start gossiping in ears… care takers become life takers. It has happened in epics… it forms a part of our history books… we read it in news papers, we feel it happening to us… and sometimes we can’t stop but feel jealous of other ‘lucky’ creatures. I wonder if there is any research explaining the phenomena behind this evil emotion. Is it something that humans (and also other ‘higher’ animals) feel when they see someone getting something they feel she doesn’t deserve? What if the person in question perfectly deserves what she gets? Or is it something people feel when they see others getting something they want, but don’t get… even when they know the person deserves that achievement, and even when the person is very good to them? Or is it a reflection of insecurity they feel about themselves, rather than about the achiever? Being a victor or loser has no effect on being jealous… as if unsatisfied; the victor may be envious of some capacities of the loser one, and if not strong minded, the loser is always jealous of the victory of victor… Is it universal… is it acceptable? And… is it reversible? To this social illness, isn’t there any cure? Is altruism an illusion? Is ‘happiness in the happiness of others’ mere a theoretical word collection?

But I’ve seen angels, there are some people craving constantly for other’s smiles. And I’ve experienced someone called a villain saving lives of others… and seen her transforming from villain to heroine to again villain again to heroine… I’ve seen hatred melting away, and smiles erasing frowns. I’ve touched the softness in the hearts of hardest stones, and felt the hardness of softest hearts… but sill I don’t understand where and why in this world does jealousy stand…

It’s a bad power, causing lethal mutation of soul. It is a bad kid of comparison, a habit of peeping into others’ lives and killing your own soul with negligence; it is a sign, symbol, symptom of lack of confidence… or is it a pathological transformation of a desire to be equal? How comes the same desire stimulating some persons to lift others up and to be angels, stimulates jealousy in some other persons?

It is a disease getting born as a small larva, and eating the person, then her pals, then the society, countries continents and the whole world and becoming an anaconda or a dragon… I hope true love, true faith, true devotion, true satisfaction and true sacrifice are immune to this infection…

beasts are dumb

I wake up to hear your meow, oh my cat where are you? You were my alarm in the mornings and even at odd times of day, my comfort when I tended to cry, my responsibility, my sense of achievement. You were my proud, telling me how humane I was… I used to think that you needed me, now I understand that it was me who was really needy. I miss you when I enter the hostel, when there is no one waiting for me; no one runs behind me, no one to jump on my jeans… no one waits for me to bring the milk… no one is there to attack and spill the biscuits on table. Trust me, I don’t eat biscuits, they’re still here waiting only for you. And there are two lizards in my room; I know they can act as tasty dishes for you. Ok I permit; you can jump on my computer, walk on the keyboard, and climb the window and make things fall as you fall down. Ok you can sleep on my bed, enter my cupboard, and make the floor of my room laden with your fallen fur. You can drink the water from toilet and then insert your head in my bucket, and make my roommate angry on me for your presence. You can lick my plates and glasses, and if it’s an emergency you can use the underside of my cot as a piece of dirty land…. But please please come back…


See how mad I’ve gone … I’m writing to you when I know that you can’t read. You can’t understand even if I yell on you. You can’t understand my words… you’re not a human; you’re quadruped, a beast, just a cat. I shouldn’t be involved in you to this extent, to talk with animals I’m not a child. I still remember how you used to act when I used to act as if I would beat you. I still remember your voice. I still confuse every white object in darkness with you… where are you?


Did you know who you were for me? Have you ever thought that the person you were playing as if she was your feline sibling was facing most catastrophic typhoons in her life? Could you understand the transformations taking place in my life? Were you aware that you were the only living company of me, during most lonely days of my life…? How could you, when even I wasn’t aware of your importance till now… till when I wait for you, and don’t get you, till when I understand that I’ve lost you?
Was your behavior mere a reflection of love of reward of food and that of security… or was it a result of some care for me? I don’t care about your purpose, as whatever its purpose might be, your behavior was a reward to me. I needed you to believe in me, to be taken care of by me, to think of me as your safety. I liked to see you happy… I pray you should be happy wherever you might be. I loved you as any parent would love her dependent baby… and she loves to see the baby growing independent of herself. But she craves to see the baby… you don’t come to me, don’t follow me, don’t trust me, but… but at least once please show your face to me.


See how forlorn I’ve become, I want to call you, but can’t, as you don’t have any mobile phone… I want to write to you but don’t know your address… to read my email you’ll never come to the internet… And you continue to trouble me in my memories and in dreams waking me up and making me nostalgic… my Billu, my Moti, my Sonya, my dear Khawadya , my Boku do this favor to your non feline mom, if you have that sixth sense, sense her worrying heart and at least to convey your well being please come back…

picture of a mad 2

Madness can be beautiful… when it’s not causeless, and the beauty of it depends on the beauty of the cause that maddens… a beautiful desire, a beautiful person, a beautiful dream or a beautiful dream world; they change the mind, mutate it… grab your saneness, rule your senses and lend you as a forlorn to wander in the world searching a dream world, breaking all the rules of a normal person… you search your dream even when you look into the mirror, alas! You can’t even understand that you’re no more a wise person, a person you were before that small accident… and people call you as insane or as a mad… but… but oh poor haunted soul, have you ever noticed that… that your madness has added lots of grace to your face? Trust me; this madness is the most effective beautifying treatment (Though it can cost you your life… but who cares about life in the midst of this madness?). Yeah, madness can be beautiful…

When a human ages…

Swollen legs
And shrunken eyes
Can you believe…
I was a king in my times?

Senses severed,
Joints tortured,
Fighting with arthritis
And I can’t remember things
Can you believe…
I was a ruler of minds?

Struggling for my aims,
Living in my dreams,
Loving, teasing, playing and winning
… Losing my heart,
Can you believe…
I was very smart?

Now the heart is damaged,
And my pride injured,
The king of then,
Is now no more!
Now I’m a loser,
Time did this slaughter
… And I got sacrificed
Can you believe…
The power I have enjoyed?

Once a divine beauty,
I’ve lost my vanity
I have no powers,
No aims, no dreams,
I do survive, but…
With no hopes!
I’ve lost everything
This is time’s victory,
But… but you have to believe,
I still… still have a story!!!

autobiography of a mad...

Am I mad to dream what I dream, people say your dreams should be feasible… a microbe can’t dream to be as huge as a dino, a thorny desert plant can’t look beautiful, a poison can’t dream to save lives… how can an intern dream to be a good scientist, or a doctor, or a healer? How can I dream a heavenly hospital, when I practice at a place where people with their saliva of chewed tobacco, and also urine, within a weak transform a new posh building into a hellhole… or when the freshness of morning in hospital is stolen by smoke of cigarette of the patient, or relative or the compounder or professor doctor? How can I expect doctors to take care of patients, who themselves don’t respect their health? How can I convince the patients to take care of their health, when they’re illiterate, and when surviving for today is their major problem? How can I dream fine diagnosing techniques and healing machines, when even basic norms are not properly followed…?

Am I mad to think all this, when almost everyone wants their self development… when to this almost everyone agrees or ignores, when nearly every medico is engaged in mugging up the bookish lines or copying for the medical entrance, when almost every scientist is running behind hot grants or publications, when making money, enjoying luxury is almost everyone’s goal, when almost everyone hates something new, or odd or anything that challenges the established situation? How can I dare to not to take part in this rat race, when innocence has been graved by formalities, and showiness, and desires to get more? How can I dream a smiling lovely world, when in fact the world is studded with sadness, revenge, lack of knowledge, poverty, violence and negligence?

But smile is also there, and there are hopes, there are some people burning their souls to help others… there is at least some goodness in heart of an almost worst person, I just want to eliminate the bad things, no matter if the world calls me a mad person. I know, the dinosaurs are extinct today, but microbes still persist… it steals your eyes when a desert cactus flowers, almost every life saving drug in emergency is otherwise a poison… anyone can dream anything, and can bring the dream into reality with her perseverance… I can dream my dream world, no matter even if there’s heaven and hell’s difference between the real and ideal. I can breathe for my dream world, and work for it, no matter how close I will be able to take this world to my dream world till I’m in this world. constructing heaven using hell as the raw material is a challenging task, it’s exciting, it gives me adrenaline rush… and most importantly a purpose to survive. I’ll prefer dying for my heavenly dreams to lying happily in arms of some angel in some ready- made heaven… and strangely I’ll be happier. I may really be a mad person…

selfish care...

I’m trying to stop thinking since last few days; and trying to think nothing except me and myself. I want to do something, and earn something in my life… why should I bother about the lives which are not the part of my life? Why should I think what’ll happen to others, when I don’t know answer of that question about myself? Why should I think of rest of the world, which isn’t a part of my own world? Why should I dream about the whole world, when the world is not even aware of my presence? Why should I crave for the smile of those, who don’t even bother about my tears? I feel bad sometimes; I too shed tears, living on the edge of depression sometimes I too sink in ocean of being alone… but I can’t express, neither they’re keen to know about my pain; they respond only to my smiling face, then why… why about their feelings I should bother? They come to me, when they need happiness and forget my presence in their happiness. They come to me, to recharge their souls, where should I go, when my soul gets deprived of energy?

Can’t I be a machine? Can’t I be heartless… a ruthless soldier, defeating innocence for success? I want success, victory in every field of life, and the salute those distant shining stars get. I want to be distant like a star; people don’t respect my easy access… they think it’s my duty to die for them, and consider that I can’t have any personal problem. They think thinking about my pleasure is my crime. Can’t I pursue pleasure like the wild, and think about me, myself and my own private mind?

But my private mind is this world. It thinks nothing if it doesn’t think of others. It becomes forlorn for their pleasure… tells them to do anything to me, but after doing it they should be happier. Then my dreams come of happy world, I can’t separate my world from my dream world. Bringing that dream world into life becomes my purpose of life… if I don’t live in my dreams then I won’t survive. I don’t help people because I’m an angel, or because I’m a fool; I do it as their pleasure is my gain. I gain pleasure from making them to smile, oh sorrowful souls come; I welcome you when you need… as your satisfaction is my lifeline. I can never sacrifice my pleasure, as sacrificing my pleasure gives me more pleasure.

… But how joyous it would have been, if at least few of them had considered about my mind… but still I thank them, as they only have made me self efficient.

reality kills

It’s not easy to write your heart when the heart itself is not ready to dictate its heart… sometimes in life, or many times if you’re the chosen one, your poor heart encounters situations that its tender feelings it has to stop. The mind wishes to stop the heart, to end its beatings… mechanical yet painful. I wish if I had no heart… alas, I’ve it, and it’s merciless like that of any other’s.

I’m an intern, a blood sucker, doing bloody business of taking, marking and sending blood to laboratory studies… I do it, I try to do it mindlessly, without getting involved in the owners of that blood… but can’t. I can’t as usual separate my thoughts from the sufferings of my patients.

Here I see the poverty. Poverty of patients of money, and that of health, and that of knowledge, and poverty of doctors and the staff of sympathy and of the sense of care they should possess as health care workers, and my poverty of maybe guts or of the authority to stand up and to change the situation at once. I can’t even think of any solution to change the situation.

I’m very inexperienced, I know I don’t know many things… but I know from books and from my dreams that this’ not a health service that can be called as ideal, not even close to the good one. Even an illiterate would tell that the fridge in ward is meant to keep drugs and blood and blood samples and not for bottles of alcoholic beverages…
I see pain every day, surgeries, ulcers, wounds, sutures, weakness, forlornness, fear, trust, suspicion… and the rage, the disgust, fear and avoidance… I dwindle to float in this ocean of varied emotions. And I can’t do a thing to stabilize the condition, even if I sacrifice everything. I see traumas, accidents, lost body parts, amputated limbs, head injuries; I see coma and death killing the caring ones. I can’t stop drunken driving, can’t seize the violence, and can’t make those damaged parts once again to work. I see, see and feel and get numbed. I want to scream, but can’t as I’m a doctor, and I should love silence. I’ve learned to cry to weep to moan and to shout in silence. I’ve learned to die silently… and I do it every moment of my strange life.

I fear; I really fear that my life will end in this useless way, in this hell, and I’ll die and wander as a ghost that too here in this hellish government hospital… or I feel that I already have died and have been posted to this modern hell. I crave for making some change, to make at least Earth if not heaven from this hell… but can’t make even a slightest change.

Where are my dreams, I call them mutely, try to search for them blindly… and grope with my numb fingers to figure out the reality making my fingers to bleed, telling my deaf ears that my dreams are more impossible than the complete impossibility itself. I feel regret that still I live, but still I live because I don’t want to feel regret after I die… I still hold some hope, some breaths telling me that something will happen… some day and I’ll see my dreams becoming alive. I want to see my dreams alive… or I want to give up being alive.