Saturday, December 25, 2010

beasts are dumb

I wake up to hear your meow, oh my cat where are you? You were my alarm in the mornings and even at odd times of day, my comfort when I tended to cry, my responsibility, my sense of achievement. You were my proud, telling me how humane I was… I used to think that you needed me, now I understand that it was me who was really needy. I miss you when I enter the hostel, when there is no one waiting for me; no one runs behind me, no one to jump on my jeans… no one waits for me to bring the milk… no one is there to attack and spill the biscuits on table. Trust me, I don’t eat biscuits, they’re still here waiting only for you. And there are two lizards in my room; I know they can act as tasty dishes for you. Ok I permit; you can jump on my computer, walk on the keyboard, and climb the window and make things fall as you fall down. Ok you can sleep on my bed, enter my cupboard, and make the floor of my room laden with your fallen fur. You can drink the water from toilet and then insert your head in my bucket, and make my roommate angry on me for your presence. You can lick my plates and glasses, and if it’s an emergency you can use the underside of my cot as a piece of dirty land…. But please please come back…

See how mad I’ve gone … I’m writing to you when I know that you can’t read. You can’t understand even if I yell on you. You can’t understand my words… you’re not a human; you’re quadruped, a beast, just a cat. I shouldn’t be involved in you to this extent, to talk with animals I’m not a child. I still remember how you used to act when I used to act as if I would beat you. I still remember your voice. I still confuse every white object in darkness with you… where are you?

Did you know who you were for me? Have you ever thought that the person you were playing as if she was your feline sibling was facing most catastrophic typhoons in her life? Could you understand the transformations taking place in my life? Were you aware that you were the only living company of me, during most lonely days of my life…? How could you, when even I wasn’t aware of your importance till now… till when I wait for you, and don’t get you, till when I understand that I’ve lost you?
Was your behavior mere a reflection of love of reward of food and that of security… or was it a result of some care for me? I don’t care about your purpose, as whatever its purpose might be, your behavior was a reward to me. I needed you to believe in me, to be taken care of by me, to think of me as your safety. I liked to see you happy… I pray you should be happy wherever you might be. I loved you as any parent would love her dependent baby… and she loves to see the baby growing independent of herself. But she craves to see the baby… you don’t come to me, don’t follow me, don’t trust me, but… but at least once please show your face to me.

See how forlorn I’ve become, I want to call you, but can’t, as you don’t have any mobile phone… I want to write to you but don’t know your address… to read my email you’ll never come to the internet… And you continue to trouble me in my memories and in dreams waking me up and making me nostalgic… my Billu, my Moti, my Sonya, my dear Khawadya , my Boku do this favor to your non feline mom, if you have that sixth sense, sense her worrying heart and at least to convey your well being please come back…