seeking for a balance

"Daydreaming isn't good, even dreams during sleep shall contain something useful, meaningful and practical, like study, questions papers, answers, scoring in exams, and thoughtful planning of career and of life overall," once upon a time I used to try to threaten myself... I used to feel embarrassed about the wild absurd ideas completely irrelevant to the syllabus, and to the path of my career, completely useless in current educational system and apparently irrational. I wanted to be a really good student, a scorer, topper, disciplined doing the homework on time, mugging up the details in books for writing in exams without getting bored, fitting perfectly in the norm, thinking within the square, fulfilling each and every criteria of a good student... a teacher pleaser, a parent pleaser, a people pleaser...

"Cats don't talk, they don't make friendships with dogs, there's no such river anywhere in the world that would heal every wound and make you immortal on having a dip into it, chocolates are made in factories, there are no trees that could have readymade chocolate candies as their fruits; heaven and hell are things in religious books, they are not traceable in real; carpets lack the shape, form and machinery that would enable them to fly," I used to attempt hindering my fantasy trips when I was a preschooler and when I was in primary school, it was long before my mind got occupied with fairies, witches, giants and aliens, Bermuda triangle, Maya culture, space life, alternate universe and parallel worlds... again I was wise enough to enforce myself to remember their non- existence... Why was that I couldn't focus on the facts and details given in syllabus books? Why was that I couldn't be a student that I should be...? Why was that in my night dreams I used to be (and that's the case today also, miserably) a worrier princes, an angel or a mad but successful scientist instead of being a gold medal winner? When exams occur in dreams, the dreams are inevitably nightmares! I grew up little bit and got captivated by mind, thoughts and their origins, consciousness, self awareness, free will, love, hatred, selfishness and altruism... "though we can attempt explaining some of them using findings in neuroscience, most of these are enigmas, unsolved things... not much useful in practical life," I tell myself hundreds of times, but alas, as usual, I'm not of my own... not an ideal student, not an ideal doctor, not an ideally practical person. I continue dreaming of my dream world, boundary free, rich, happy, healthy, curious, adorable world, getting governed by emotions of love and altruism, and by knowledge of facts without any ignorance.

Thinking of practical ways to achieve such impractical dreams unexceptionally leave me confused, fatigued, and above all embarrassed. Do I have some serious anomaly in my brain, some serious imbalance of neurotransmitters, excess or deficiency of some kind of neurotransmitter receptors, or is it the neural structure that is abnormal? I got from an article that having lesser latent inhibition in brain makes you to do such absurd things, makes you more creative, but it’s the same thing that’s found in psychoses... the only difference is the ability to detect the boundary between reality and the contents of the dreams. But the boundary is painful, it mocks you, reminds you of your absurdity every moment you see it. Before I would start dreaming of being completely psychotic and enjoying the heavenly pleasure of living in your dream while leaving in some asylum, I decided to write novels to quench my desire of creating a better world, my desire of creating special characters and living with them... a desire of solving mysteries of life. It does soothe me to some extent... but as my parents say, writing a novel is a useless job, having no practical implications, if you wish to create something new to this extent, create it in real (and as you lack the chances to do it, stop thinking about creating)!

But imagination or dreams are not that useless; I feel that today's dreams are foundations of tomorrow's real world... I've experienced certain incidents in life a long before they really happened; they won't believe in this but I know almost all of my best friends since more than a decade before I actually met them. It's like I dream about strangest things and they're out there in this world waiting for me; I don't search for them (thinking that they're absurd), yet they come to me hinting to me that dreams no matter however strange can come true... It's like as if dreams are predictions of mind about the future, about the chances of occurrence of some of the endless possibilities, or maybe they're just some wild constructions of semiconscious mind, and the world or destiny itself is equipped with such wild semiconscious mind.

Currently I'm stretching my limits, trying hard, moving heaven and earth to attain a balance between being impractical and practical at the same time, to believe in my dreams without ignoring what that is real, to allow my imagination to contribute in building the future world which I want to be a photocopy of my dream world...

to search someone

Crisis isn't a good thing to have, but it's the same phenomenon making us stronger, tough enough to survive it, and making us to introspect, to search the reason of tolerating, the meaning of being alive; it's the same phenomena forcing us to get introduced to the stranger hidden in our mind. It's not a stranger in reality, it's we only, but years and years of masking it and hiding it from ourselves, the practice of assuming a normal appreciable suitable personality makes us strangers to ourselves.

To me, crisis is the incidence when the focus is lost, and the sense of direction is lost, when hopes are dead and we don't see what's ahead of us leave apart the finish line, when we search but don't find the zenith of our dreams- making us to believe that it's absent, when we stop believing- believing in ourselves, in others, in anything we used to believe, when we stop loving ourselves and then our loved ones, when we start thinking of life as a meaningless co- incidence or as some disgusting existence, when every single activity becomes a war against ourselves, when we start making mistakes while attempting to find solace, and when we become depressed, sad and destructive after finding out that there's no solace... when the soul is getting crushed every moment under burden of some unexplainable pain, when tears of loneliness get circulated with every beat of heart, when we are losers, tiny loathsome miserable creatures unable to make any difference in ourselves and in our filthy surroundings, when there's no beauty in sight, all smiles are artificial, kids are annoying and adults selfish... the problem is in us, to us we're unlucky mortals destined to be failures.

In other words crisis is the time to clean up our minds of the layers of dust of bad feelings, to get introduced to the beautiful sweet confident winner hidden inside, who's never dead, and who thinks of life as a chance or as a mission, and her loved ones as gifts from heaven, who finds beauty in even ugliest minds and rays of hopes in darkest situations, who knows herself and has endless faith in herself undeterred by adversities, who believes in smiles, in innocence, in good purposes and in her dreams, whose heart is a heaven itself or is the endless sky wishing to protect the innocence of every mind she comes in contact with, who's not ignorant to pain but believes that it can be erased by helping healing other wounded souls, who knows that she's not some static or stagnant thing but is a dynamic human having a capacity to be better stronger and more helpful to the world, and her activities are bound to make difference in her life and in that of others... she knows that she can always choose her response to the situation... she can always choose to be an angel when she can be some lethargic inactive sufferer or even a demon.

These are two extremes, and crisis gives us a chance to move from the bad end of the spectrum to the good one... and we can always choose to stay at the good end by not allowing the bad feelings to mask the depth of our minds.

a reason to survive

Baseless, formless, ambiguous, and directionless...
I had no idea where my little life was headed,
I had dreams those were so foreign
to my environment and my being
that I had got convinced,
they were never going to get fulfilled

I had started mocking my desires,
had become sarcastic to my own feelings....
Too many failures kill the hope;
too many adversities mutilate the soul
Traumatized, mutilated, and yenning for escape
my heart feared, had it lost its face?

Skeptic, pessimist, and dreadful...
was it really life or was some punishment?

Wonderful world in my dreams had got shattered...
there was darkness and were oceans of tears.
Reality was there, still intact
what that had got damaged was my idealism.
Rigid, immotile, frozen and shaken
my mind was searching ways to get rid of its existence

Was it some reward, or a dose of success
that would heal my mind and bring back its pleasant sense?
Did I need drugs, or some psychological treatment,
to make the heart of my hopes to beat again?
Or was it some god or a flying angel
destined to make me happy and to stimulate?

No reward, no success, idle gods and mythological angels
Life had become completely hopeless...

But then something unexpected happened;
during a listless, aimless, and lethargic stroll
my mind bumped into my lost dreamland.
It was flourished and was so alive...
I found my vigor, my reason to survive;
and it is to make this world a better place for humankind!