Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sometimes I envy easy animal lives

Sometimes I envy easy animal lives
Their simplicity and lack of desires
They do what the nature tells
Don’t bother if their attempt fails
Never think of failures and successes
Just go on doing what life demands
Not trapped in morals and principles
They take life as it comes
Never have the things called goals
They aim only for their basic needs

My needs in contrast are unending
For my goals I keep my life on pending
I forget the basic needs to reach my aims
My aims aim all of my happiness
Success is something taking me to my goals
And failures push me some steps away from them
Away from my goals, I crave for them
I burn my life for the things I desire

Nature signals the animals to make some changes
I resist the nature, I hate changes
The nature hates me in this way
From normality I get pushed away and away
For me the pyramid of needs is also reversed
I don’t want food but the happiness of the universe
For me everything is very complex
I spend years in considering pros and cons of them
Shooting for my goals is also not easy
Fear of failure is ready to kill me

Animals get happy with simplest achievements
For me, things except my goals are not achievements
For I’ve a part of brain called neocortex
And my limbic system is enslaved by it
So are my centers for breathing, living and sleep
In other words I’ve got haunted by my goals
My heart beats my goals and lungs respire to them
Eyes search for them and ears hear them
My goals are the only songs I utter
The only fragrance I smell and the only joy I enjoy

My goals are ruthless, they keep on calling me
And I like a haunted child keep on following them
Even when I know, they push me in valleys of depression
Or make me to get lost in deserts of loneliness
There I forget myself and search fulfillment in them
As if I’ve learned to get happiness from troubles

I can’t decide what’s good and what’s bad
The benefits of the beasty life are profound
It’ll open me a treasure of happiness
My life will be fulfilled with all achievements
But I want nothing except my aims
I give up the joy and embrace the pains
The pains soothe me which I take for my aims
My life is affected, it can’t be normalized

But sometimes the pains do become unbearable
And I can’t stop envying those easy animal lives

Monday, April 19, 2010

Frozen in time

Jailed, trapped in a secluded place… away from my dreams, away from my hopes away from myself, I try to breathe here, and try to meet myself, but fail always as I failed in my exams. Every situation, every person, everything seems to be the examiner to put me on test one or another… and like a lost worrier, enslaved and commanded to play war, I keep on fighting with the situation with my lost soul. Deaf, I can’t hear my heart beats… are they there? Blind, I can’t see my future… is it there? Or is there mere mute darkness, endless like my pains?

And here I search ways to keep myself alive, to survive to the moment of escape, to the point of freedom, to fill my dreams in my arms… but blind, deaf and also anaesthetized… I feel nothing. I doubt whether I have the thing called mind, there is something mutilated, blunted like a blunted weapon that has lost its sharpness facing tons of rust. Rusted because it was not in use; it’s still not in use, as I tolerate the injustice mutely, fearing to face more of it… and I face more of it… often.

And I worry, about my finished future… about my charred hopes and dries tears. Tears come out sometimes, and I expect to feel their warmness, at least they will thaw my frozen soul… but alas the tears are also cold, dumb like my emotions. Already surrendered, I beg them for escape, and they laugh at me in return. How can they be so ruthless? Heartless examination and the exam takers, they themselves lack heart why should they bother for that of others? They crush my heart; mercilessly make me numb by giving intolerable pains… still I live, expecting some magic to happen.

And I believe in magic… I still dare to believe something, when my life is an orchestra of unbelievable happenings, and shocks… endless, coming one after another or all at the same time. I wish, I pray… I beg to the deities, and ask for some sense in life, but never get it. And I sit finally kneeling in the darkness of my trapped mind. Waiting… waiting, hoping for some hopes to come to sensitize…

Then I get tired, and anger comes to rule my soulless lifeless life. I burn down the darkness and shout to make some sound. I get my rusted weapon to hit it on their head… I hit it on the walls to get free, and kick the wall, punch it to the moment of exhaustion. Then I drop down wounded like a mad, like a tired schizophrenic being ordered by some sound. And then the hopes come to bandage my wounds, to heal my soul… and I go to sleep to get lost in the arms of my dreams…

But my dreams shake me, to make me awake. I open my eyes but don’t believe in the scene. The rust of my mind has gone, so is the darkness. I see, I feel, I sense the dawn in my life. I see my life, right there with me, smiling and calling me. My dreams introduce me with my life, and make me worthy to survive. Oh sweet dreams, creators of my hopes, that’s the reason why you’re worthy of my life.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

...let’s heal the world

Boundaries are ruthless, signs of our negligence. They’re for the politicians or for the religious divas, not for humans not for us. Science doesn’t follow boundaries of any region, religion, and even that o gender, so is the scientist’s work. The arts, the feelings, humanity and the expressions, everything is immune to the harshness of these borders… then why shouldn’t all of us? None of us have created the boundaries, then why should all of us follow them?

They’ve been created by some populations in the past, temporally (or in the time map) far far away from us and they divide us from the persons from our own era, whom we can see, feel and even touch; separated from us only by physical distance or that of emotional.

And we can’t erase them, at least now, at this moment. Alas, we can’t get up and take a big eraser and eliminate everything hindering the flow of our emotions. We can’t erase boundaries from the Earth… but we can erase them from our heart. We can get a big, beautiful universal or global heart, like the universal set in sets mathematics which incorporates everything but is a part of none.

Some will accept us, some won’t we shouldn’t bother, as all are our people. And we shouldn’t bother to dedicate our works, our attempts, and our sacrifices, to our people who share this universe with us. We shouldn’t allow these ruthless boundaries to entrap us and bar the waves of excitement, enthusiasm, and joy reaching to our hearts from all over the universe. Come on, let’s be universal; let’s eliminate the enmity, the hatred and create a healthy world. Come on, let’s heal the world.

Monday, April 12, 2010

A human who knows why to survive…

Tolerating, breathing but not ceasing to stay alive
I had got bored with the inertia of my life
The things used to happen in their own way
This made me search, why on this Earth I should stay

I used to stay staring the walls
Had nothing to do with life’s rise and falls
Buried in a ditch covered with transparent land
I always stared, but never could say hi to the stars in my piece of sky

I wanted to explode, to break free
But was diffused, I used to feel
Tired of waiting, but bothering to make a start
Once upon a time I had thought to go and see my heart
But the mirror of my life was shattered
And every piece reflected a tortured image of my mind

I had to find who I was and why
Like a tree, wishing to break the Earth
And reach the demanding my piece of sky
But finding self of mine was a poser even staying where I was; was much easier
I seemed a purpose difficult to understand
Not just a thing that occupies a small piece of land

My causeless thoughts also had a cause
And pause less breaths also had a pause
I had paused to my life to stay alive
And had caused my life to forget the meaning of being alive

When I found the meaning and the lost world of my life
I broke the cocoon and became free to fly
Widened was my piece of sky
And the stars were now mere parts of mine

Now I’m a star not confined to the sky
I’m a human who knows why to survive

I’m a piece of art expressing every heart
Or a beating that beats in every heart
I’m a tear of god’s pain and that of yours
I’ve to flow, never to stay in place…

I’m soothing as I flow
Give me your pain and all of your sorrow
And I’ll give you nothing but a smile
I want you to be happy, healthy and agile…

I’m a merchant to exchange happiness for grieves
A miracle to construct heavens in your dreams
I’m a shock to sensitize, a purpose to provide purpose to all purposeless lives
I’m a soul that wanders, and helps others to find their homes
Or I’m a ray of light that reflects every part of your mind
A burning fire that pacifies…

I’m a mystery unsolved since ages
And a history of all great sacrifices
A feeling of greatness hidden in depths of your heart
But I’ve been cloaked; just let me come out…

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Strange experiences as a stranger

I created this blog, few months ago to write my experiences as an intern, that’s what I was supposed to be since this February. But it didn’t happen at that time, and still it’s not happening. My internship is getting postponed constantly… as if it’s something special, as if it’s my wildest dream or as if it’s not supposed to be a normal happening.

And the cause of it is unknown, or at least I’m unaware of it. Maybe they’re choosing doctors who fit well into the system, who follow the traditional norms… who’re ideal medicos. Anything unknown foreign or unrelated like me is bound to evoke the ‘what is it’ response in them. It’s nothing but reaction to the stranger that’s what they display in my mark sheet. I fail to simulate or to mimic normal… alas, I’m not normal.

I’m a stranger here, I feel, or I feel strange here. I happen to be in a university where knowledge is contra indicated. I don’t like to repel the knowledge… and I shouldn’t repel this university for this’ the university I’ve to complete my MBBS at, and this’ the university which’s going to make me a doctor.

And this stresses me, to my breaking point… or breaks me many times. And I, like a broken wounded soul, keep on hovering around the same subjects again and again, willing to haunt this degree, this university, my college, haunted by the exam system… but not dying, immortalized because of my immortal dreams of being a scientist and do something for healing. But there isn’t a trace of human left in me, as if it has been vaporized or burnt or flee away from me. I’m just a plain living soul… or spirit, with no feelings except few hopes and extreme desire to reach my dreams. I’m nothing anything except my dreams.