Thursday, December 27, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
This painful feeling grows with age and by the time a kid reaches young adulthood it already has become overwhelming... Some are lucky that they never get these bouts of madness, some succeed in getting rid of it and living a 'normal' life, and in fulfilling all the expectations while still carrying that ocean of emptiness buried somewhere in depths of their minds... some quit, and the remaining ones make their names as synonyms of madness... prove either to be extremely productive or to be completely useless, all their fate depending upon where they direct their search for themselves.
Madness isn't that worthless I feel; it does worth a try or maybe many. Life is slippery, we can't hold it; no matter how stagnant we feel it is, it's always on the move. We're not stationary things, we're humans, time is bound to change us, so are the situations, our feelings and experiences. What we have today there's no guarantee that we'll possess tomorrow... and this includes along with our talents our adversities, pains, failures, all the noxious stimuli evoking fears tears and cravings, our madness, desire to do something, to love, dreams of creating something, of making some difference, our energy, our youth...
Things change with time, just for example- once upon a time I used to write comedy, now comedy seems to have divorced to my pen; it just doesn't come, every sentence comes with a tinge of tears. I wish I would have written some more at that time..... I may write it now if I try hard, but some things are just irreversible. I can be curious, but I can't be a kid. Time affects every single aspect of our lives. To avoid this 'I wish I would have' feeling in future, we must move today.... Our desire of doing something, the endless craving, the sense of not feeling satisfied with the current situation, in other words 'the madness' is only the chance we've been given by the destiny, we shall not lose it by feeling overwhelmed... what if all of a sudden we get some frontal lobe lesion and like Phineas Gage get converted into creatures those can be called in words of his friends as 'no longer us'... we shall not ignore what we have and waste it in crying for what we haven't.
Instead of feeling sad due to the expectations from our loved ones, or feeling that our love is unrequited, we shall think of exploiting our desire to take care of them.. who knows tomorrow some pathology or trauma might happen to our brains and we may lose completely the sense of heavenly pleasure we get for caring them. This uncertainty applies to every field of our life, and this makes the current moment crucial.
It (the current moment) may be like a big zero, meaningless, blank, painful, pitiful, extremely hopeless, hopelessly useless, cruel, demanding, demeaning whatever... but it is and that's what matters, and we must make something from it before it passes away.
Friday, April 13, 2012
It sounds good to focus on a tiny part of a system and to feel dedicated to it, as it sounds easy to improve the tiny part than improving the whole system... but it'll be a foolishness to ignore the fact that the tiny part is a part of the whole system, and any damage to any other part of the system is bound to cause at least some harm to the part we feel we're dedicated to. Even if we happen to live in an isolated community on an isolated island, still there are things like pollution global warming and altering balance of the ecosystem which can affect us directly or indirectly... and most of us aren't that isolated. A citizen or member of some community is a bigger word than just an individual, but it's much tinier than the word human as we all are members of humankind.
It seems hard to think of equality when things aren't really equal; there are differences in geographic conditions, educational awareness, health and hygiene, availability of resources, faiths and belief systems, extent of social pathologies like money mindedness and corruption... and many more; but we're always free to grow, to introspect and overcome our weaknesses; and instead of looking at others as obstacles in our path or as potential threats to our existence or as something we've to overtake, we are free to look at them as other part of our world and learn from them and seek help from them to overcome our shortcomings while simultaneously helping them to overcome theirs. We're always free to choose to be helping humans instead of acting as area or dominance driven quadrupeds. I think that cooperation rather than competition is the key to success, satisfaction, and evolution; but it requires more strength patience and dedication, and an entirely different mindset... and fortunately all of these are achievable by practice.
Friday, March 30, 2012
"Cats don't talk, they don't make friendships with dogs, there's no such river anywhere in the world that would heal every wound and make you immortal on having a dip into it, chocolates are made in factories, there are no trees that could have readymade chocolate candies as their fruits; heaven and hell are things in religious books, they are not traceable in real; carpets lack the shape, form and machinery that would enable them to fly," I used to attempt hindering my fantasy trips when I was a preschooler and when I was in primary school, it was long before my mind got occupied with fairies, witches, giants and aliens, Bermuda triangle, Maya culture, space life, alternate universe and parallel worlds... again I was wise enough to enforce myself to remember their non- existence... Why was that I couldn't focus on the facts and details given in syllabus books? Why was that I couldn't be a student that I should be...? Why was that in my night dreams I used to be (and that's the case today also, miserably) a worrier princes, an angel or a mad but successful scientist instead of being a gold medal winner? When exams occur in dreams, the dreams are inevitably nightmares! I grew up little bit and got captivated by mind, thoughts and their origins, consciousness, self awareness, free will, love, hatred, selfishness and altruism... "though we can attempt explaining some of them using findings in neuroscience, most of these are enigmas, unsolved things... not much useful in practical life," I tell myself hundreds of times, but alas, as usual, I'm not of my own... not an ideal student, not an ideal doctor, not an ideally practical person. I continue dreaming of my dream world, boundary free, rich, happy, healthy, curious, adorable world, getting governed by emotions of love and altruism, and by knowledge of facts without any ignorance.
Thinking of practical ways to achieve such impractical dreams unexceptionally leave me confused, fatigued, and above all embarrassed. Do I have some serious anomaly in my brain, some serious imbalance of neurotransmitters, excess or deficiency of some kind of neurotransmitter receptors, or is it the neural structure that is abnormal? I got from an article that having lesser latent inhibition in brain makes you to do such absurd things, makes you more creative, but it’s the same thing that’s found in psychoses... the only difference is the ability to detect the boundary between reality and the contents of the dreams. But the boundary is painful, it mocks you, reminds you of your absurdity every moment you see it. Before I would start dreaming of being completely psychotic and enjoying the heavenly pleasure of living in your dream while leaving in some asylum, I decided to write novels to quench my desire of creating a better world, my desire of creating special characters and living with them... a desire of solving mysteries of life. It does soothe me to some extent... but as my parents say, writing a novel is a useless job, having no practical implications, if you wish to create something new to this extent, create it in real (and as you lack the chances to do it, stop thinking about creating)!
But imagination or dreams are not that useless; I feel that today's dreams are foundations of tomorrow's real world... I've experienced certain incidents in life a long before they really happened; they won't believe in this but I know almost all of my best friends since more than a decade before I actually met them. It's like I dream about strangest things and they're out there in this world waiting for me; I don't search for them (thinking that they're absurd), yet they come to me hinting to me that dreams no matter however strange can come true... It's like as if dreams are predictions of mind about the future, about the chances of occurrence of some of the endless possibilities, or maybe they're just some wild constructions of semiconscious mind, and the world or destiny itself is equipped with such wild semiconscious mind.
Currently I'm stretching my limits, trying hard, moving heaven and earth to attain a balance between being impractical and practical at the same time, to believe in my dreams without ignoring what that is real, to allow my imagination to contribute in building the future world which I want to be a photocopy of my dream world...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
To me, crisis is the incidence when the focus is lost, and the sense of direction is lost, when hopes are dead and we don't see what's ahead of us leave apart the finish line, when we search but don't find the zenith of our dreams- making us to believe that it's absent, when we stop believing- believing in ourselves, in others, in anything we used to believe, when we stop loving ourselves and then our loved ones, when we start thinking of life as a meaningless co- incidence or as some disgusting existence, when every single activity becomes a war against ourselves, when we start making mistakes while attempting to find solace, and when we become depressed, sad and destructive after finding out that there's no solace... when the soul is getting crushed every moment under burden of some unexplainable pain, when tears of loneliness get circulated with every beat of heart, when we are losers, tiny loathsome miserable creatures unable to make any difference in ourselves and in our filthy surroundings, when there's no beauty in sight, all smiles are artificial, kids are annoying and adults selfish... the problem is in us, to us we're unlucky mortals destined to be failures.
In other words crisis is the time to clean up our minds of the layers of dust of bad feelings, to get introduced to the beautiful sweet confident winner hidden inside, who's never dead, and who thinks of life as a chance or as a mission, and her loved ones as gifts from heaven, who finds beauty in even ugliest minds and rays of hopes in darkest situations, who knows herself and has endless faith in herself undeterred by adversities, who believes in smiles, in innocence, in good purposes and in her dreams, whose heart is a heaven itself or is the endless sky wishing to protect the innocence of every mind she comes in contact with, who's not ignorant to pain but believes that it can be erased by helping healing other wounded souls, who knows that she's not some static or stagnant thing but is a dynamic human having a capacity to be better stronger and more helpful to the world, and her activities are bound to make difference in her life and in that of others... she knows that she can always choose her response to the situation... she can always choose to be an angel when she can be some lethargic inactive sufferer or even a demon.
These are two extremes, and crisis gives us a chance to move from the bad end of the spectrum to the good one... and we can always choose to stay at the good end by not allowing the bad feelings to mask the depth of our minds.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I had no idea where my little life was headed,
I had dreams those were so foreign
to my environment and my being
that I had got convinced,
they were never going to get fulfilled
I had started mocking my desires,
had become sarcastic to my own feelings....
Too many failures kill the hope;
too many adversities mutilate the soul
Traumatized, mutilated, and yenning for escape
my heart feared, had it lost its face?
Skeptic, pessimist, and dreadful...
was it really life or was some punishment?
Wonderful world in my dreams had got shattered...
there was darkness and were oceans of tears.
Reality was there, still intact
what that had got damaged was my idealism.
Rigid, immotile, frozen and shaken
my mind was searching ways to get rid of its existence
Was it some reward, or a dose of success
that would heal my mind and bring back its pleasant sense?
Did I need drugs, or some psychological treatment,
to make the heart of my hopes to beat again?
Or was it some god or a flying angel
destined to make me happy and to stimulate?
No reward, no success, idle gods and mythological angels
Life had become completely hopeless...
But then something unexpected happened;
during a listless, aimless, and lethargic stroll
my mind bumped into my lost dreamland.
It was flourished and was so alive...
I found my vigor, my reason to survive;
and it is to make this world a better place for humankind!
Friday, January 13, 2012
I don’t know what the government wants to achieve by building such primary health centers and by compelling us new doctors to work there as bonded medical officers… do they want us to forget our medical knowledge, ethics, and to learn to manipulate the situation, to exploit the lack of knowledge of others? What’s the role of a phc? Aren’t we there to take care of their health? Or are we there just to satisfy illiterate whims of the village people? Isn’t health education mandatory or at least necessary? Why the useless, old age, antique drugs still exist in phcs? What the doctor is supposed to do if nearly all of her patients refuse to follow health advices and keep on demanding ‘magic drugs’ that would cure everything within time period of minutes or even seconds?
How nice it would have been if I were ignorant, not a doctor, or even illiterate… I would be able to live. Drunkards (mostly village politicians) come here, fully laden with alcohol, and say to me that, “alcohol causes dehydration. I’ve consumed two bottles of it in morning. You must administer intravenous saline to me.” When I tell the ailing to open their mouths to examine oral heath, I encounter tobacco, pan masala or paan blocking my sight to their pharynxes. Even kids have these things, leave apart male and female adults. Even if I give strict warning about avoiding cold foods and drinks kids go for infective ice candies on street as soon as they get out of the hospital after taking treatment, that too in front of me and then blame me for giving them ineffective tablets. People laugh at me when I tell something like, “smoking would deteriorate your lungs.” And get disappointed and even curse me when I don’t examine their arthritic knee or shoulder with stethoscope.
Is it advisable to administer IV drugs like metoclopramide and dexamethasone to everyone, even when they don’t need it? People are addicted to a ‘saline’ (a formula having a bit of many drugs in NS) and they want me to administer that ‘saline’. One of their superstitions is that tablets and capsules are useless and to get ‘cured’ and to gain some strength you need a saline and some injections, the only injectable available here is chlorpheniramine maleate. Doing private practice in government hospitals is a common trend; people hate me when I refuse doing that. I have no words to describe the corruption in this field, maybe I lack strength, or maybe my brain freezes when this topic comes into my mind. The only one person I can keep away from this dirty business is me, and I do it successfully… but still… it’s very very hard to handle everything, and still be able to think.
I feel like an alien, an outsider. It’s very hard to blend in this business… also it’s very hard to convince them about the small acts of taking care of their health… I keep on trying… but I’m not some deity, I’m a human. And I get frustration too. To the world I’m a successful person, a medical officer, with a staff of ten working under my command… but to me, I’m as helpless and depressed as I was never before. I even can’t call for help, because I don’t see anyone… In fact it’s so dark here that I see nothing.
Maybe… one day I’ll be able to think, to find some solution, or to seek some help to change the situation… till then the biggest challenge before me is to keep my dreams and my own innocence alive.