reality kills

It’s not easy to write your heart when the heart itself is not ready to dictate its heart… sometimes in life, or many times if you’re the chosen one, your poor heart encounters situations that its tender feelings it has to stop. The mind wishes to stop the heart, to end its beatings… mechanical yet painful. I wish if I had no heart… alas, I’ve it, and it’s merciless like that of any other’s.

I’m an intern, a blood sucker, doing bloody business of taking, marking and sending blood to laboratory studies… I do it, I try to do it mindlessly, without getting involved in the owners of that blood… but can’t. I can’t as usual separate my thoughts from the sufferings of my patients.

Here I see the poverty. Poverty of patients of money, and that of health, and that of knowledge, and poverty of doctors and the staff of sympathy and of the sense of care they should possess as health care workers, and my poverty of maybe guts or of the authority to stand up and to change the situation at once. I can’t even think of any solution to change the situation.

I’m very inexperienced, I know I don’t know many things… but I know from books and from my dreams that this’ not a health service that can be called as ideal, not even close to the good one. Even an illiterate would tell that the fridge in ward is meant to keep drugs and blood and blood samples and not for bottles of alcoholic beverages…
I see pain every day, surgeries, ulcers, wounds, sutures, weakness, forlornness, fear, trust, suspicion… and the rage, the disgust, fear and avoidance… I dwindle to float in this ocean of varied emotions. And I can’t do a thing to stabilize the condition, even if I sacrifice everything. I see traumas, accidents, lost body parts, amputated limbs, head injuries; I see coma and death killing the caring ones. I can’t stop drunken driving, can’t seize the violence, and can’t make those damaged parts once again to work. I see, see and feel and get numbed. I want to scream, but can’t as I’m a doctor, and I should love silence. I’ve learned to cry to weep to moan and to shout in silence. I’ve learned to die silently… and I do it every moment of my strange life.

I fear; I really fear that my life will end in this useless way, in this hell, and I’ll die and wander as a ghost that too here in this hellish government hospital… or I feel that I already have died and have been posted to this modern hell. I crave for making some change, to make at least Earth if not heaven from this hell… but can’t make even a slightest change.

Where are my dreams, I call them mutely, try to search for them blindly… and grope with my numb fingers to figure out the reality making my fingers to bleed, telling my deaf ears that my dreams are more impossible than the complete impossibility itself. I feel regret that still I live, but still I live because I don’t want to feel regret after I die… I still hold some hope, some breaths telling me that something will happen… some day and I’ll see my dreams becoming alive. I want to see my dreams alive… or I want to give up being alive.