Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A blow to mind

This post is more about wounding than healing. I’m wounded, right here in my soul. And the hell, the healer for soul isn’t available. Actually it’s a minute thing, and it shouldn’t even touch my soul, leave apart hurting. But in fact it did hurt.
My results for my final examinations wee out, and I learned I was failed. They declared that I wasn’t able to treat people, they declared it on the internet that I don’t possess the skills and knowledge required to be doctor… or at least to clear the exams. Exams… are they really capable to examine my capability? Do they really deserve to declare that I don’t deserve it? What my creativity, my knowledge, my feelings, and my dedication have to do with it? What is the thought, the purpose behind that exam? What do they examine?
They think I’ve to think in their way; I’ve to be like them… a robot, machine. They think humans don’t deserve passing. But I’ve passed in three subjects out of four… humanity does worth something. They might want me to change the way I think… or the way I live. I don’t live for the exams… and I never want to. I’ve many great purposes to live… not just repeating the parrot fission, and copying, and begging to the examiner… memorizing what the books describe, the tiny answer books, that’s what the examiner reads.
No. I’m not going to change… I just can’t; no matter what happens to me and to my exam results. I know what I want and I need it desperately.
At most I’ve to take that exam once again. And I’m strong enough to bear it. Writing one paper and appearing for the viva once again won’t kill me. And it can’t waste my time… because I’m free to do what I want to do. And oh exam, now I don’t fear you… if you can’t give any value to me, then I shouldn’t give it to you.
And yes, I don’t look at this as a battle with the situation… rather it’s a chance to examine what the exam does if I don’t fear it. And I’m not going leave my dreams. My life… it’s still dedicated to healing.

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