my sin

Playing in my arms, my cat was mewing blissfully, and the crow resting on a branch of tree outside my window, was calling me for its regular breakfast- a biscuit. My grandma in her ninety’s was craving to ‘see’ me, as she hadn’t done that since one year. My parents were calling me home for at least the weekend, and my brother had been postponing the feast of Pav- Bhaaji constantly since last two weeks, waiting for my arrival…I was harsh, ruthless, immersed in my joy- my work… in my room. And then I left the room also, when needed; deserting my cat for whom also it had become a home…

The cat might be missing that comfort, who’ll care it if it falls ill? The crow would have got de-conditioned by now for the reflex it had got, after shouting before that closed window for many times, fruitlessly. My grandma has many granddaughters, but to whom she would express her love she has for me? And my family might be feeling unlucky as they have to love, and have to crave for, and have to care a big hard yet delicate stone…

“You shan’t form bonds of love with animals, if you can’t carry them for lifetime…” my mom says to me. She says to me that I’m responsible for the pain of the cat, what it gets because of my absence. I’m responsible for the pains I give to my loved ones… being like a heartless machine, I shouldn’t have loved others, and shouldn’t have made others to love me. Why did I form bonds, if I had to be ‘free’? But I swear, I never love anyone expecting their love in exchange, and I never love anyone after deciding that I shall love this person… it happens on its own, how, when, even I don’t know or remember.

I love everyone, everyone is mine… but I belong to no one. They do many things for me, but for them, I do nearly nothing, except that of making their souls to worry for me. I’m selfish, I feel many times. I put my work before my duties. Do I have more feelings for my work than for my loved ones? I have tried to find out, but found no instrument that could measure my feelings of love.

Even though I’m not a person running behind a fine career; and I never wish to have heaps of money, and never have I craved for physical comforts, I do crave for my dreams… I want to make this world happier. I want to make human life easier, planet Earth safer. I want everyone to enjoy the comfort, everyone to get showered with the feeling of love, to make every person to love every other person…

But I myself do fail to express my love to my loved ones. I love them, I love them a lot, but still I hurt them. I hurt myself, because I never express or I always fail to express my feelings for them. I fail to show that like others, I too am a human. This isn’t a characteristic of a good person, I know. I know I’m not enough to please my loved ones; I’m weak, selfish… a bad person, devil or maybe be sinful. But I never expect what they say ‘haven’ after death, instead I want the hell. And I guess, there also I’ll crave to make heaven from that hell.