it was a... dream

I was driving on a lonely highway as it was four o’clock in the morning; my big neuro lab was waiting; neurons in culture dishes were whispering, and the newborn brain imaging machine was trying to control its heartbeats for today it was going to be tested for the first time… my heart was also racing with record breaking speed; I remembered last time when it had broken all past records, when I had tested my equipment to change destined synaptic connections in live animals without any genetic alterations… and now it was racing again with some more speed; I thought I should slow down, least I should meet with some accident. Speeding on such rough road wasn’t a safe thing; but since when my road had become this bumpy? The roughness increased with arrival of huge mountain like stones and there were thorns welcoming me with their painful pricks… this wasn’t the road I wanted to go… this wasn’t the destiny I had planned to meet… I had lost my path, there was no one except the darkness and stones and thorn pricks…

I lost my balance, and started falling in a dark disgusting valley, opening directly into the hell… I shouted and got my sleep broken, only to find myself sitting before my lifeless computer, beating my hailstone like head, hoping for birth of some little spark… if not fire. I was a fire… in the past; I remember. Is it extinguished… or mere hidden, fearing to get smothered due to lack of any stimulating factor? I miss myself, for my life has become a wet piece of wood emitting tears of smoke in an attempt to get the fire… I need sun; I need some warmth, some air; I’m tired to get entrapped in these clouds. These dirty, dark, shapeless clouds like stigmas are staining my life… masking my soul, eclipsing my hopes… and choking my dreams. I crave for fresh air… I need a breather, an escape… just one… one chance to prove myself.

But I’m a prisoner in an honored jail; and the walls of this jail are thick, and it has a big ruthless lock with no key… and is unbreakable; I’ve broken myself in attempting to break free from this, several times, and have nurtured many wounds; sour, infected, bleeding… they are far away from getting healed. And there are scars, contractures, kids of some milder wounds which have got wrongly healed, ready to restrict my every movement… to weaken my every effort. As if I’m surviving with a big weakness, as if I’m an old debilitated paralysis patient seeking joy in memories of the past… not daring to think about the hopeless dark future… something like the dark disgusting valley in that dream, leading me directly to the hell…

And I want to convert that hell and others into heavens… I don’t care even if my life becomes a live hell while working on my heavenly dreams. And that’s why I need an escape. I want to use my wings, want to spread them to their full and fly in the sky of my dreams… I need freedom. I just need a chance to break free from this rusted golden cage… or unnatural strength to shatter it, or my lost fire to melt it, heat it to its evaporation point. I can’t…. I really can’t sustain to be confined…